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Starting from Scratch: An Update

March 20, 2007

During the past few weeks, the prepress department (my work) have started “upgrading” our system to a new, and supposedly ‘better,’ one.

What began with the supervisor and another worker being gone for a week of training up in Canada, has now blossomed into a brand new system, fully installed and almost completely set up and ready to use, and when I say “new,” I mean we are changing everything, well everything except for the most problematic device (one of the printers) which is another story/rant in itself, and a relatively new processor that doesn’t need changing since it was updated a year ago with this system in mind.

We are ditching the server, all the printers (minus the one I mentioned in the previous paragraph), and the plate-setter, which is basically everything I deal with on a day-to-day basis.

This has made work more stressful and more time-consuming than normal. It is also one reason for not as frequent blogs.

However, another thing is starting new too—me.

Last night I hit another hole in my heart, or to put it more specifically, I ripped another hole in my mostly healed from bitterness heart. While before it was bitterness inside, this time it is pride. While I had done the workbook exercises on the pride thing a few nights ago, they really didn’t do a whole lot for me. I believed I was honestly asking God to help me from the heart (vs the head), but nothing was really happening. Maybe a sliver of feeling here or there but nothing significant, like I was expecting in an area that I knew was an issue with me.

But last night I had an epiphany on where the root of my pride is located. I, more specifically the workbook, wasn’t worded correctly for my situation, and I needed to ask God specifically for help in a specific area only broadly touched upon in the workbook.

From what I can tell, my pride is rooted somewhere in my need to be recognized, which drives me to be better than everyone around me, which usually leads to either impatience with those around me, or that I subconsciously place myself above them, viewing them as inferior in whatever way I succeeded in. Then when I wouldn’t be recognized for my hard work, it flipped around into either resentment/bitterness for not being recognized, or me getting caught in the trap of self-pity that easily landslides down a very steep hill.

Do any of you know where I am coming from here?

Well knowing about my problem is half the battle, and to be perfectly honest with all of you, I really don’t think I can do the other half on my own. I am not even sure where to go from here. Obviously, I need God and all the help he can give. He is probably the only one who reach down there to the roots of this pride, and so while I am keeping my inner-ear open to him, tell me if He prompts any of you about something for me, either in person or here on this post.

So tonight (one night later), I am writing this, and declaring I am starting from scratch, but unlike work, where the buggiest piece of equipment is the only thing not being replaced, I am set on cleaning things up right the first time, and any help any of you can offer would be much appreciated.

Will it be as seamless as work is going? Probably not, and that isn’t saying much, because the transition at work has so far been anything but seamless.

Will I stumble? Probably, and I will probably outright fall too, but that isn’t the goal. The goal is becoming who God wants me to be, and I know it isn’t a bitter pride-filled person so I do know I am moving in the right direction.

So with all that said, thank you for reading this blog and thanks-in-advance for any advice, whether it is lending me a hand or an ear, or any other Spirit-prompts meant for me.

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