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Missing the Little Kid & Most of My Heart

February 27, 2007

This past weekend, I wrote a blog about the start, or pre-start, to my dealing with the bitterness in my life. Saturday night I began the workbook “homework” and while writing out and praying about the specific areas of my past, I came to realize something: Most of my heart is/was rock-heart because of bitterness.

At least that is what it felt like. After praying about just the first of the two broad areas of my life, I felt like most of my heart was gone; like there was a hole inside of me, specifically where my heart was. It felt like over half my heart was missing. On Sunday when I finished up the workbook exercise (by writing down and praying for the second broad area of my life), I am not sure if I even felt a heart left, just a big hole where a heart should be.

Also after praying, I felt different, but in a different way. The little kid I wrote about in a blog a few weeks ago, the one inside of me that made me feel like a big liar or that I was going to be found out, was gone, or at least I couldn’t feel him anymore, and so far, he hasn’t returned. It’s like something in my prayer scared him away.

Maybe I was trapped semi-mentally at an age around when some of the earliest emotional drama I can remember happened, and when I cleared it up (by forgiving from the heart for good, and taking responsibility for the feelings I had), it freed the little kid inside of me to grow up. How much will he grow up? I am not sure, since I don’t feel him inside anymore. If he comes back, it’s likely that he will be much older, or maybe even about the age I really am. šŸ™‚

The workbook instructions say that I should pray over my two sheets (one for each broad area of issues) for 30 days. I am currently on day two or three. I am not sure if I feel a heart reforming/healing inside of me yet, aside from knowing that the black-hole feeling in my chest is where my heart should be. It will probably take all thirty days to heal. That would definitely stretch my patience, but it wouldn’t be unrealistic, since a good portion of the core bitterness that was locking my heart up, I have carried for over half my life.

So now, if you happen to see me in the next week or two, you will probably be looking at a mostly “heartless” Cam. You will also be looking at a Cam who really has no clue how old he is inside.

In closing, and in praise, I will say that so far, I have not felt any bitterness about any of my past experiences, and while a few things today at work are aggravating at times, I am not resorting to bitterness towards them like I use to. Maybe all this specific prayer is helping to change me and my attitude towards my life. šŸ™‚

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2 comments

  1. way to go, i’m glad you wrote this blog… Are you taking that Class at the experience?? that return to marital intimacy?? bc seriously this made me think about that..


  2. As a matter of fact, the class is Return to Marital Intimacy. It isn’t being done at the Experience, but a couple from the Experience I know is hosting it in their house.

    Thanks for asking.

    ~CrazyCoolCam



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