I’m Out

February 9, 2007

One of the things I find that is absolutely crazy is that God uses me to influence others for good. And it often happens when I am not even trying to.

It happened again. One of the worst reoccurring experiences in my life happened again. I was dumped as a friend. I had someone who I thought was my friend, turn around and tell me that they never wanted to speak to me again. Needless to say, that experience took all the positives that happened during the first part of my week and beat them all into little insignificances and my week started out with me being pissed off at the world.

I cannot blame the individual. Actually, I admire why they did it. Somewhere in my conversing with them they realized a crutch in their spiritual life and they needed to turn around from the path they were headed. But that meant dumping me as a friend.

God used me to help them and that is just amazing in my mind.

And God used them to help me.

Being rejected as a friend is about the worst possible rejection in my mind. It trumps the “lets go back to friends” breakup because the breakup at least implies that friendship is possible (although in reality it isn’t initially). The friend rejection is the worst rejection in my mind because it is almost de-humanizing in the way that says, “I don’t even want to know you cause your a creep, or something equally un-friend worthy.” I understand that not everyone will get along, but acting like friends and then coming out and dropping the friend breakup is like a slap across the face when you were expecting a hug.

But in this enraged, anti-social state was where God wanted me to be. During it he showed me that I am trying to get validation from the wrong places–places like my blog, which hasn’t had a good discussion in almost a year, and in past relationships, where I looked for some form of validation from my significant other, or extra-close friend–and that I needed to stop, step back from it all, and learn where I really should be looking for my validation–from Him.

I have grown up in some ways, but in other ways I still feel like a kid. I seem to have taken much of what the world has thrown my way and risen above it, the type of thing a man would do, but something is missing in my mental image of myself. Aside from the crowning educational achievement of graduating from college, I have no other milestone in my life that marked my passing into manhood.

My key birthdays were nothing extra-ordinary marking a difference in status, since nothing extra special or memorable happened at any of them. I really can’t think of anything marking a shift, aside from realizing at too young an age that I would be becoming the “man of the house” since my parents were divorcing, but that really just ended up being a stepping stone on the maturing ladder, as was moving out of the house into dorm-life at a slightly older, but still not adult, age.

All my crowning achievements, like having a career I enjoy, instead of just a temporary job, owning a house, and owning a car, haven’t really changed my perspective. In fact, if anything my perspective has shifted into feeling like a very successful kid, who needs to keep it up or someone might find out that he isn’t as strong or tough as he possibly appears; that he doesn’t have everything all together in his life; and that he is really lost and alone in a crowd of people who could be called friends, and who for the most part would make great friends, but people who he just can’t open up to for the fear of having another “friend” stab him in the back after he has opened up.

So, I’m out. I’m out of trying to find a significant other. God knows how to show me who he wants me with, and until I get that sign, I’m out. I’m out of trying to get validation from places where I shouldn’t, whether it be from people discussing my blogs (or even commenting), to having a close friend who I look to for validation. I’m out of trying to please people thinking they will like me and want to spend time with me, because it hasn’t worked in the past, and I really don’t feel like caring enough to give the future a try.

I am not going to leave the blogging arena. I got this new blog to hopefully spur on discussion from a wider variety of people. What I won’t do is care about what any of you think about what I write, or even if you write. This is my blog, and in it you will likely get a window into the life and thoughts of Cam.

I’m out.


One comment

  1. Way to go Cam! God has much for you to share and much for you to enjoy but it can’t be yours by living life to please and impress others.

    You are, as an individual, a unique and valuable child of God. you mean the world to Him. Other people’s opinions of you can’t even begin to compare with His.

    You know, it is so much easier to say this to some one else than to take this advise for myself. I have had this lesson dumped on me over and over in my life. I’m so glad He is not done with me or you.
    In fact His promise is… I will never leave you or forsake you!

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