Stealing Females

January 6, 2007

Over the course of my life, particularly in the latter years (college and beyond), I have noticed something in the relationship realm. This idea is that I will jump into a relationship with a so-so person while I am waiting for Mr. Right/Miss Right to come along. (It can also manifest itself in finding the “right person” but that usually is more someone thinking prematurely that they have found the right person and so they start the relationship before much if any friendship has developed.)

Who is to blame for this idea. My soapbox rant blames chick-flicks. Where else than in some idealized Hollywood film does this lottery-odds relationship strategy actually work. It may appear to work all the time, but what really ends up happening is something far worse, a breakup (whether it is warranted or not).

The reason for this is along the same lines as my Grass is Greener blog a few months ago, where I pointed out that there will always be someone who comes along that will end up being a temptation. The difference here is that this is in the dating realm and so there really isn’t a formal commitment like there is in marriage, and so it is way more likely for a breakup to occur without the amount of consequence that there is in an actual divorce.

A typical scenario goes as follows: Guy 1 and Girl 1 hook up. After dating for a few months or more, Girl 1 meets Guy 2, and since Guy 2 seems like a much better match (probably due to the novelty factor that Girl 1 doesn’t know Guy 2 nearly as well as Guy 1), she dumps Guy 1 to go out with Guy 2.

This is a very simplified version of a stealing female situation, and it isn’t exclusively a female thing either. This is something that can easily happen both ways, but since I am giving the example we will go with the way that I experienced.

I have been a part of a stealing female situation, namely I was Guy 2. On first glance this would seem great. “Way to go Cam, you just helped this girl escape out of a bad relationship.”

However under the surface something horrible has just happened. The problem: once an individual (the girl in my scenario) has dumped someone in favor for someone else, they have just set the precedent that they could easily dump the person they just hooked up with for the next better thing. And since I know something better will come around (even if it is only something that on the surface may appear better), Guy 2 has just ended up hooking up with a girl that is 99% more likely to dump him in the future. The relationship is now a time-bomb that is just slowly ticking its way down to a dumping.

Now I am not wanting to totally rag on people who do this too much, but it a HUGE red flag in my mind. Am I dating now, no, and so by simple addition and subtraction one can conclude that that relationship I was in burned someone, and it was me. Had I developed this idea more fully in my head when I started the relationship? No, but it was one that developed near the end of it, and while most people say that their situation will be different, that they will be the ones that break this ugly trend, chances are very high that you won’t. I thought this way and got burned, more than once.

I am even opposed to anything that visually looks like the stealing female situation. A totally unrelated breakup followed by a too quick hookup either signals the stealing female, or even worse, the rebound relationship (which I won’t go into here, except to say that they are typically rebounding into a relationship with someone that is way worse for them than the relationship that they just left.) Very rarely does the dumper ever come out and say that they are dumping to hook up with a new guy, but this overly quick hookup is a great sign that it just happened.

Do I have a good answer around this potential visual problem, because what if you are in a bad relationship and you have the opportunity for a better one, wouldn’t you want to go for it? Sure you would, but I would do my best to make the breakup and hookup as unrelated as possible, even trying to space out hooking up (or even appearing to be hooked up at all) for a minimum of 2-3 months, otherwise it could get you labeled this way.

Anyways, that was just a little rant of mine. Feel free to agree or disagree.



  1. lol umm you’ll have to message me back on this one, there’s only one person, i can think of that does this, and am i right? lol Good point though..

  2. I once had a similar perspective about a certain girl I dated. I was extremely frustrated at being dumped for no reason other than “I just don’t like you that way anymore.” I thought I was such a nice, unselfish guy, but I really had no clue the hard work that goes into a relationship, and how much I WASN’T doing to be a good boyfriend. I didn’t do anything wrong, but there was a lot I needed to do right hat I completely failed to do.

    I was 17. Now I’m 26. You’re not far behind me at 24. The fact that at your age you’re still seeing the world through no one’s eyes but your own is incredible. It doesn’t have to be that way, but at some point you’ve got to make the decision to step out of your shoes and see what it really means to live unselfishly. Posting jabbing blog about someone you don’t name but we all know who you’re talking about is NOT the way to do this.

  3. The statement, “Am I dating now, no, and so by simple addition and subtraction one can conclude that that relationship I was in burned someone, and it was me.” That was what made me think that you must certainly be referring to your most recent relationship. I’m glad that is apparently not the case, and I’m sorry if I misunderstood your blog, though I stand by the fact that the way you wrote it made that an easy conclusion to jump to. You’ve got to be careful, man.

  4. Hey readers,

    Sorry for any confusion, but the statement that Brian quotes is not meant to be a stab at my most recent relationship with a girl named Tara.

    What I was meaning by it was that if you look at my not married status, and that I am no longer dating the individual in my example that one of the two of us got burned and it ended up being me.

    The relationship that burned me lasted longer than a year and was serious enough that I believed we both saw marriage in our future.

    Again, sorry for any confusion or hurt feelings this blog may have caused.


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